Be the Banks: A Photographer’s Letter to Moms Letting Go
As a photographer, I’ve met a lot of parents. Some hover nervously during sessions, some try to coax “real” smiles out of their kids with bribery or goofy noises. And some just watch—soaking it in, quietly stunned by how quickly their child is growing up (this goes for toddlers to the graduating teen.)
But it wasn’t during a photo session that one of the most meaningful parenting conversations I’ve had took place. It was through a simple, honest question from another mom:
“How do you think my son is doing?”
She didn’t ask it in passing. She genuinely wanted to know—was he on track? Was he doing okay? Her 6-year-old had spent time with my family (my teenage son had been babysitting), and she wanted an outside perspective.
What she didn’t realize is that her question unlocked something in me. I started writing her a message—and it turned into something much bigger than feedback on her son because every time I started it I realized that it wasn’t really about how her son was doing. It became a reminder to myself, and now maybe to you too.
He’s Not Yours to Tame—You’re Just His Banks That Keep Him from Spilling Over
Here’s what I wrote:
J is like a river—sometimes calm and still, sometimes wild and raging. It’s not your job to tame the river. It’s your job to be the banks that keep him from spilling over.
That gem came from my daughter’s kindergarten teacher (Mrs. Tassin – who by the way is amazing!), and it’s stuck with me ever since. Our job isn’t to smooth every rough edge or control the current. It’s to be present, stable, and strong enough to let them flow and still feel safe.
And you know what? That applies to parenting and photography.
Through the Lens: Why These Messy Moments Matter
I’ve photographed enough toddlers running amuck and teens blinking awkwardly in their cap and gown to know one thing for sure: the “perfect” moments are rarely the ones that move us.
It’s the messy ones.
The in-between ones.
The ones that feel too normal to matter—until they’re gone. (Ask me how I know? 14- and 17-year-old kiddos that’s how – where did time go? No seriously!)
That’s why I want every mom to know: even if you think today isn’t photo-worthy… it is.
Even if your kid is clingy, grumpy, silly, or hiding behind you—it matters.
Because one day, a photo you almost didn’t take might become the thing that reminds you who they were—and who you were—right now.
Letting Go Starts Early (and Hurts Anyway)
Here’s what I wish more moms knew—especially the ones booking family photos with toddlers to Junior Higher family sessions with me:
Letting go doesn’t start when they pack for college.
It starts when they walk into kindergarten with their backpack half their size.
It starts when they ride their bike down the street without looking back.
It starts when they stop asking you to read them a story before bed at night.
It starts way before we’re ready.
If we don’t start letting them go slowly, from the beginning, we’ll end up clinging to them like a life preserver in the teen years—just when they need space the most.
A Love Letter to Moms (Including Me)
So, here’s what I told that beautiful momma, and what I want to tell every mom reading this:
Trust your gut.
Surround yourself with professionals who respect your instincts.
Let comparison go—it’s a thief, not a teacher.
Your child’s success doesn’t define your worth.
Their meltdowns don’t define your failure. (*this took me awhile to realize)
Give them choices. Help them learn that they always have a choice by there are consequences for those choices.
Love them the hardest when they seem the most unlovable because honestly that is usually when they need it the most.
Celebrate the mistakes while the consequences are still small. (*this one was tough for me too, but I see it so clearly now.)
Apologize when you mess up and you will, I promise. Let them see that side of love and forgiveness too.
And above all—show up. On the hard days, the boring days, the magical days.
You Don’t Need to Be a “Good” Mom
That phrase—good mom—it triggers me in a way I can’t even truly explain. People told me all the time I was a good mom but what does that even mean?
So, forget “good.”
Be a loving mom.
Be a present mom.
Be a mom who listens, who advocates, who keeps showing up—especially on the messy days. Be his mom. His steady. His safe place. The banks to his river. That’s more than good. Being a mom is hard, people say that all the time, but we never truly understand it until we have our own kids. Learning to accept them for who they are in the moment, who we dream they will become and who they are becoming is difficult to wrestle with, but every parent has to do it, the question is will you do it with grace and kindness.
Take the Picture Anyway
Even if their hair isn’t perfect. Even if they won’t smile. Even if you’re in your own season of exhaustion. Take the picture anyway. One day, that photo might become your parenting time capsule. And when you’re ready to preserve that season with intention, I’m here. With my camera. With my heart. With a full understanding of how fast it all goes. Let’s freeze just one little moment because we don’t remember days; we remember moments.
💛
Your friendly neighborhood photog– Kim
Avondale, AZ Family & Graduate Photographer
www.kimvanosphotography.com
